11th August 2013
I am
the product of multi parenting. Apart from my parents, my grandparents, especially
my grandmother has a big role in what I am and the way I think. I am indebted
to her for many lives to come, for the values and good thinking she gave me.
Today,
my mother also lives with me. And I am able to see changes in my children. Some
are great, some good, some ok, and some well…let’s just say, could have been
missed.
If
your child/children are being multi parented too, then here are some
perspectives which is worth going through.
Let’s
keep the math very simple.
Pluses:
- They are more experienced, so they definitely know a little better: I have seen some great moves being given by my mother when one or both my kids get in mother-of-all moods. Honestly, she can handle them better during those times.
- They can tell a lot more stories in a much better way than you do: This holds true in my case. Let’s face it. I am a good mother, but I am a bad bed time story teller. I really wish I could catch up on some TV while they sleep on their own. (Sheepish grin!)
- They definitely can pamper them better: Come on. Do admit, a little pampering has never done harm to any child. Even we had our share of pampering during our golden days. This was pointed to me by my mother, when on an un-cool day, I pointed out to her that she is spoiling the kids. Her response, “You know what? You were just like this as a child. Every child needs pampering. And no one pampers your children better than me.” Okies, point taken.
- They can reinforce learning your mother tongue better: My parents definitely wanted me to learn to speak Malayalam very well, but my grandmother was the one who took it one notch higher. She made sure that I am able to write and read Malayalam. Being a Delhi-ite, I was a rare species of my age, who could read, write and speak Malayalam. Her point, “You should be able to write a letter to me in Malayalam, when you are away.”
(Yup, this is A with my mother. Its a candid shot and my fav pic recently clicked on a vacation. They were discussing his school, I guess.)
They
can truly provide the emotional cushioning which a parent cannot: There is
something about being a grandparent. They are so gooey and full of love…always.
Minuses:
- No, they do not always know better than you: You are closer to your child’s age than them. And that helps you to keep track about the way your child operates. This one is for mothers: You will always know your child the best, no one else.
- Sometimes, they need to be reminded too: It makes sense to keep expectations clear. It may sound harsh but it is better to do so, so that clashes on an everyday basis can be avoided. This holds true in cases where your parents or inlaws stay under the same roof as you and your family.
- Sometimes, they might not be the best help for your child: It simply means that they are just not up for it. They might not really enjoy grand-parenting or they like privacy or they might not interested to do the tasks which you may feel is beneficial for your child.
- So, how do you strike a balance?
- Keep expectations clear: There are some things you can let go. There are some which can be compromised and some which is inexcusable. Let the children and your parents know that. Let your child know that you are a family and that families do not back bite. It is incorrect to complain and ask the grand-dad or grand-mom to change rules.
- Set the hierarchy clear: Yeah, the H word appears here too. The child should know when the parent is the boss, and time when the grandparent is holding the baton.
- No disciplining each other in front of kids: All background talks should happen when the kids are not around. This is important so that no one loses self respect in front of the children.