2nd August 2013
If it was actually as funny as it sounds, life could have
been easier for a child. And here, I mean a child as young as 3 years old to a
child who is way into adulthood.
Think about an adult who has been successful, self made and
highly opinionated. Many a times these qualities are not mutually exclusive. Now
when this adult becomes a parent, what usually ensues is a parent-child
relationship in which the parent is highly controlling and monitoring the child
constantly. The parent, for the fear of his child making a mistake, takes all
his decision and does not really let the child undergo the natural learning
process. This is all under the commonly used axiom: “As a parent, I know what the
best is for my child.”
The child on the other hand grows up with the need for
approval, is not sure about his decisions or thought process, which further
affects his independence. This could have serious repercussions when this child
grows into an adult and enters into that stage of life where he would have to
take serious decisions on his own.
And how is this connected to a banyan tree?
Have you ever noticed that nothing grows under a Banyan tree?
A Banyan tree is very vast, especially the roots. On top of it, the branches
and the leaves form a huge umbrella. This is why the shade provided by a Banyan
tree is the coolest. Slowly these roots get embedded inside the soil. The final
result is that there is no space for natural supplements (sunlight, loose soil,
etc) for a new plant to grow and thereby become a tree.
Keep the parenting style of the person mentioned in the
beginning of the post and the Banyan tree on the other hand. If you connect the
dots, you will see that this is Banyan tree parenting style. As much as the
parent is hugely experienced in life, career and education…it is not of great impact
on the child as the child is unable to grow under the parent. The roots are so
deep and spread that it refuses to let go of the child and his natural growth
process.
The way such a parent thinks is:
“I have gone through so much of struggle and success. I
should ensure that my child gets the best and chooses the best. Since he is my
child, I know better than him. What if I let him do this alone and he messes it
up. What if he does it incorrectly?”
My question is: Yes, what if…he does it incorrectly? He will
falter once or twice or a couple more times, but ultimately understand the best
way to do it correctly.
Easier said than done. If you are a Banyan tree parent, you
will be probably thinking whether it is practical to just let go of your child.
Actually yes. Because you are not letting go of your child.
You are just tweaking the way you care about your child. A few pointers of
insight could be:
- Your child needs to take a decision: Instead of telling him what to do, give him
options. Tell him the possible repercussions of every choice. But let him take
the final decision.
- Give enough back up: So your child took a decision, and he
faltered. DO NOT back fire. Keep aside the “I told you so...” “I never should have
let you do this…” A better approach: “Ok, so this happened. Maybe you could try
doing like the next time.”
- Let the child grow: Let go off the “hamara baccha hamare liye
bachha hi rahega.” Treat him age appropriate. Look around. You will be able to
see what the general expectations are from your child’s age.
- Ok, you are the parent: But seriously that does
not mean that you know the best….for your child or yourself. Think about all
those moments when you screwed it all up. Experience and age does not teach one
everything. Sometimes it teaches you to remain wrong and a self declared king
or queen. Get a reality self-check
I leave you with my favourite lines from
the best parenting poems ever...that of Khalil Gibran:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing
for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not
to you.