I am not a medical expert on perfect parenting, so this write up is not to tell you how to bring up a child. This write up is also not about how to become good parents. It talks about a few experiences of people around me and yours truly. If the person reading this sits back and thinks about it for even a few minutes, I think my purpose is achieved.
As parents what do we want for our kids, “THE BEST” right? But best for whom… for them or for us? My heart bleeds when I read about young kids committing suicide, or go under depression, or undergo trauma because of issues like not winning a competition, or not having a fair complexion, or having a sibling who is better than him, or not scoring well….and so on. Where do these reasons stem up from? When a friend of mine tells her 7 year old that scoring 93 in Maths was not enough, or another friend enrols her kid into 6 different extra classes, I feel like shaking them hard and say “Please stop it, because you are breeding your own fears in that poor child!”
My father wanted me to be the above 90% scorer, choose science, go to the best colleges, become a Cost Accountant, have a Government job, and be a working woman. I was an above 75% scorer, chose Commerce, went to second best colleges, left my Cost accountancy in the middle, became a MBA (that was the farthest I could go, though I wanted to many other things), got 2 Government jobs (but did not take up any!), became a full time mother and part time teacher. If you ask me, were all of these easy, I would say, “NO!”, but I wish it was made easy for me. It would have been if there were lesser arguments, lectures and comparisons with others.
My friend tells her young son that he should always be a rank holder in his class, and another one does not let her daughter learn dance (when the kid loves it), saying that the scores would fall. I am a teacher to mostly 16-19 yr olds, who are all on the threshold of entering adulthood. One of my students used to be dark skinned, but with long wavy hair, beautiful eyes, sharp features and brains to match, she was a gem. She came up to me once to share her concern. Her mother would never let her step out in the sun, or spend time with her friends out, and would buy number of creams to apply on the face. All because, she wanted her to be fair and not get darker. I could see that my student was losing all her confidence, and did not have any ambitions for herself.
I think by now, we all know what I am putting forth.
A pressured child:
1. May become an unconfident adult, who cannot take his own decisions, and is always unsure about his abilities.
2. May suffer more peer pressure also at school, college and work place, because they are not used to speaking their mind, and therefore keep their emotions/thoughts bottled up.
3. Usually is not in a position to speak about his issues to his friends as a child or an adult, as it could mean speaking about his parents in a negative manner, which is not usually taken in positively in our society.
4. May end up hating their parent/s, and become difficult parents themselves, as now they are at last in a superior position. The vicious circle continues here.
5. Will fight out, and choose his path. (This is the most difficult…ask me!)
So, as parents what can we do or rather what should we do? Maybe a few pointers would help.
1. Help the child smell the flowers, see the blue sky, take in the green plants. Our world is very fast, busy, and selfish. Help them see the calmness too.
2. Hug them and say often, “No matter what you do, we would always follow you and support you. In the process we might reprimand you, but you are always welcome home"
3. In any decision making situation, help the child do a SWOT analysis. It will help him to understand his own Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats. It will make him understand the pros and cons of each situation, and most probably he should come up with the right choice.
4. At the end of the day, it’s his life, and he should be happy doing whatever he does in his life. Make each learning process an enjoyable process, which will have its ups and downs. You can make him feel that it’s okay to fail at times, and it just means that success is one step closer.
5. Home is warm place to talk about his fears and talk his heart out. He will always be eager to come back home, no matter what happens.
6. Accept your child the way he is, and nurture from this point on.
This write up might not help in solving the minor day to day issues of child rearing, but could be of help to raise a confident child. Like I said, I am no expert at parenting issues, and every passing day is a learning experience for me also. Be a parent ‘your child’ wants you to be, not what ‘you’ want to be.
Labels: Kids development